


The Dance

by delen2000



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Dancing, F/M, Friendship/Love, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-01-05
Packaged: 2018-03-05 12:30:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3120257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delen2000/pseuds/delen2000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a was a one shot that came from reading something on about those two having been at a dance together for some formal function and my mind filled the blanks. I don't remember who wrote it, or if they eventually wrote their own version, but here is what I thought would have happened. I have decided to add more chapters on to this, because of some wonderful reviews I received.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Saavik looked at her figurative mother who was gushing at the thought of dressing her up for an evening.

"I know just the thing! You cannot go in your Starfleet uniform! That would not do on such an occasion. You are being honored by the Vulcan Science Academy and by Starfleet as well. You need to dress up formally for this ball. You might need to dance!"

Saavik concluded, rather quickly, that it was better to humor Amanda than to fight her. She usually lost these matches, particularly when Sarek was called in to give his opinion.

"Besides Spock will be there, and you wouldn't want to disappoint him." Amanda said knowingly as she took off toward her room, searching for the dress.

Saavik felt her cheeks heat and she turned so that Amanda would not see the effect she'd had on her when she returned. She did not know why Amanda insisted on bringing up what Spock would think on certain subjects. Even more puzzling, was her recent reaction to such suggestions. Why would what Spock think of her personal appearance matter to her so much?

Amanda bounded into the room, holding the garment out toward Saavik eagerly.

"My dear, you are going to turn heads in this!"

THEDANCETHEDANCETHEDANCE

Spock stood in the grand ballroom of the Science Academy talking with other fellow crew members. He had been with some delegates earlier, discussing certain politics and tried to pave roads for some possible ambassadorial work to work its way through at a later date. He often found such formal occasions a good time to try to make inroads, and tried to make use of them whenever he could.

He had then spotted McCoy and Mr. Scott and had headed toward them to forego anymore mingling. Once he had reached them, Kirk and Uhura had also joined the small group. He merely listened to their comments on everyone else in the room, and corrected or interjected whenever he felt it was necessary to. Every so often someone was announced and would come through the doors, getting the attentions of everyone in the room. His parents were announced and he went to greet them as they came down the staircase.

"Mother. Father." Spock greeted them formally.

"Hello, Spock. Just wait until you see her!"

"Hello, Spock. I have to admit that you will be somewhat taken by your charge's appearance." Sarek added, with the same knowing look that Amanda had given Saavik earlier.

Spock had had many years at controlling his bio responses and gave no outward symbol of his inward reaction to his father's words other than a raised eyebrow. He had noticed in recent weeks his reaction to Saavik had changed. He felt attracted to her and he relied on her more and more. He wondered if Saavik had felt it as well.

"Saavik of Vulcan." The guard announced at the top and she appeared.

Spock was sure that he stopped breathing for the entire time it took her to walk down the stairs. He didn't count the steps or know the precise amount of time it took her to traverse the steps. He ceased to pay attention to anyone or anything in the room save her.

She was dressed in a green velvet gown that had two separate shades of green. One was a deep forest green and one was a cooler shade. They adorned the dress with a band of color in a sweeping fashion, picking up as one color left off. The dark green set off her eyes and made them stand out on face that cleared of her hair, because she had swept it up in a soft becoming fashion. The dress came to the floor and sported a sweetheart neckline as well as a full skirt. The back he noted, from what he could see, also sported a sweetheart neckline, but much lower and much more daring. The lighter shade of green set off her skin tone wonderfully and made her glow.

She finally arrived at the bottom and immediately came over to where they were standing. She held up her hand in greeting to her teacher and mentor. Her hand shook slightly. It was not cold and Saavik did not ever suffer from nerves. It was so slight that a non-Vulcan possibly would never have seen it, but Spock did and he knew what it meant. She was just as affected by him, as he was her.

He breathed again and returned her greeting, and then invited her over to see the Enterprise crew. She was eager to go, since she had not seen them since her training cruise. Uhura appraised the dress and made similar remarks to what Amanda had said. McCoy and Jim, however, seemed to be having a silent joke running between the two of them. Spock seemed to know that he was the cause. He knew that his two friends possibly would know his signals and reactions even better than his father and mother. He realized that they knew that Saavik had affected him as well.

It was new. It was too new. Spock didn't want all this attention before he had even gotten her attention. He waited.

The conversation lulled a little and Spock got up the words to suggest going out on the balcony to discuss something she had written in her latest letter to him. She saw nothing unusual in this and nobody else would either, except Kirk, McCoy, Amanda and Sarek it seemed.

Once he had led her out there, he could not find words to say. He could not even recall the letter he had used as a convenient excuse to get her alone.

"What do you wish to speak about? Was there something that interested you in my letter?"

He had her all alone on the balcony. No one else had come out and he had shut the doors behind them to dissuade others from following. The humans would not follow because of the temperatures of the desert planet, and the Vulcan's would not intrude on a closed door.

His silence unnerved her and left her wondering and confused. "I am sorry, Spock if I have done something to offend…is it the dress?" Her hand swept down to touch the garment around her midsection.

"No, Saavikum…" he chuckled. "It is not the dress. You have done nothing to offend." He looked out to the desert and then summoned up his courage. "It is you. I find that you are beautiful, tonight." He spoke directly at her, looking into her eyes, and noted the second a slight flush appeared on her cheeks.

"Is it just tonight you find me this way?"

He wasn't sure if she had decided to play coy, or if she was seeking clarification. He had his chance, he could blame the attraction on the dress or he could pin it on her.

"No, Saavikum, it is not just tonight." He watched as the flush became deeper, watched as her pupils dilated and her breathing quickened and realized he had fallen for her. These emotions did not occur in an attraction. He imagined pulling her toward him and taking that hair down so that it cascaded over her shoulders. He stopped his thoughts before they went too far.

She took a deep breath. "It is not just tonight for me either, Spock."

He looked into her eyes and drew closer until his lips touched hers.


	2. Chapter 2

Spock looked over his ancestral planet and took in everything he could. Or at least appeared to be taking in everything. The twin suns setting magnificently in a barrage of umbers and oranges and yellows went unnoticed by his contemplative stare. The way the sands swept over the dunes and pelted his skin also went unnoticed. The dry heat was comforting and therefore of unimportance. The only thing taking up his thoughts were of Saavik.

He sat in his mother's garden and thought about Saavik, and knew deep down that all of this thinking was illogical. What was done was done. Nothing more could be done about it.

He remembered the waif they had picked up on Hellguard. She was smart as hell, that was for certain and infinitely logical. It was the very first time he had ever encountered anything that was so savage and base, but as the same time logical and smart and loyal. From the start, she had defended him. Even still today, she still did. It was only a few short years ago on Genesis, that she had risked everything, including David Marcus to save him, her teacher, her mentor, and because of the events on Genesis, her mate.

It had taken a while to realize that they had mated and bonded. He had had many months of retraining. Many nightmares and strange dreams, and it took a long time after telling his mother that he was doing, "Fine" for him to truly be, "Fine."

Saavik had written to him all during his convalescence, as one would call it, even as he still served aboard the Enterprise and with his crew while he sorted things out. It helped him to be in a routine. Helped him to be amongst people who knew him even if he did not remember them. It comforted him. Her letters though, they touched a nerve. He felt incredible anticipation when the computer informed him of a letter from her. He read them almost immediately and answered them promptly, eager for another letter from her. His dreams had stared her often, and not on Genesis. They often took place in his quarters or in his bedroom back at his parent's home on Vulcan, where he now sat. They were always sexual and always intimate, and always what he was looking for.

He continued the letters and she continued them back. One night he finally dreamed of Genesis. He saw everything that had happened, from what he was able to understand at his earliest point of development. He had woken in a sweat with a terrible realization dawning over him. He got up and proceeded to the computer screen to look up Saavik's report from Genesis. He had never read it before, preferring to let his mind come up with it, rather than filling it with false memories. He read slowly the entire report of the whole experience. Her cold, precise words filled the screen, speaking of every detail. She had left nothing out of the report, nothing. Every horrible thing she'd had to do to keep him alive was recorded. No doubt, she'd felt the need to divulge all of the information because of him. He needed his soul anchored back to his body, a relatively unheard of procedure, and she was going to make sure that all of the facts were in evidence so that nothing would stand in the way of the procedure, not even herself.

He felt chilled, and cleared the screen of her detailed and precise report. He longed for the warmth of her letters, to see her face, to soak in her expression. He decided the simplest way to accomplish this was to send her a letter. He got up and changed into his outer robes, leaving his sleeping garment on underneath. It helped warm him, and he felt he could sleep again once he had done this.

He had just answered a letter from her a few days ago, so he had to make sure he did not repeat what he had already said. He began with the customary greeting and went on from there, filling in certain going-on on the Enterprise. He ended it with, "Saavikum, I know that my parents and you have been worried about me. I things to tell you that I feel I should not tell you over a letter, but which cannot wait till I can see you on Vulcan again. We are several light-years away and our current mission is long. I cannot anticipate when I will be able to see you to tell you this, so I fear that I must tell you now. Forgive me, for this Saavikum, but I must find out the answers, and you are the only one who knows the answers.

"I had a dream earlier tonight." He took a pause searching for words. "I dreamed of Genesis. When I woke up I desired to know if what I had dreamed was the real thing, so I looked up your report. I was not satisfied with the answers I arrived at by reading the report, so I now wish to know what happened on Genesis, from you." He ended it with the usual farewell and sent the transmission, coded through space.

He found that he was wrong about being able to sleep.

His answer came seven weeks later. He received seven messages for her. Apparently, her messages had not been able to be sent until that week. The last two months had been a sheer hell for him. He had almost convinced himself that all he was feeling was made-up and that none of it was true. He was on the bridge when he received the notice that he had not one but seven letters from Lieutenant Commander Saavik. He had asked Jim if he could leave the Bridge to view the letters, and had been excused. He ignored everyone's knowing stares all over the Bridge and had gotten on the turbo lift and headed to his quarters. Jim had told him to take his time and he intended to do so. He had checked for her letter every few hours the first couple of days, but then he had told the computer to alert him the minute it finally arrived. Every message from the computer had put him on edge until the message he had gotten today.

He went into his quarters and sat down at the large screen in the wall, and prepared him for the large amount of letters at his disposal. The first one was a cordial greeting from her, obviously written before his letter. She spoke of her decision to go back to Starfleet now that her extended leave was over. She gently reprimanded her teacher and told him of her concern that he had not taken a similarly long leave after his ordeal. He allowed himself a Vulcan smile at that; her concern for him was touching. She then warned that she would write every week even though she wouldn't be sure when she would be able to send the letters or when they would catch up to her or when they would catch up to him. She was to join the U.S.S Essex as its Science officer. She then signed out after a cordial good-bye.

The next one was also before she received his letter. It detailed all of her duties and asked questions of Spock about how to handle certain situations. Some of her crewmates were not at all friendly, it seemed. She did not seem as excited as her letter previously, and it stung him that anybody would hurt her again, after everything she had already endured in her lifetime. He made a mental note of what to say to her regarding this, and listened to the end of the letter and moving quickly to the next.

He knew immediately, that she had read the letter by the first thing she did on the third. Her eyes looked haunted and sad, and she held herself stiffly. "Forgive me, my teacher, for what I had to do on Genesis. I was left with no other choice I could live with."

The words haunted him and tore at his soul. Her eyes never left the screen, and he could see that she'd darkened every light and lit candles. The shadows cast an eerie glow upon her too pale skin. She told him every detail and did not hold anything back. Going so far as to say how she had touched him and where. He sat in shock at the telling of the tail. Her voice was so thick and heavy burdened. What she most feared came spilling out of her at the ending of the letter. "My most feared thing that could happen between you and I, is that you would not be able to forgive me, Spock, and this I could not live with anymore than I could live with you dying when I could have done something to delay that from happening." She did not end the letter with any sort of good-bye just as she had not begun it with any sort of greeting; she simply ended it there, with an abrupt black screen. He wondered if she was just too drained to go any farther. He found himself drained after the letter as well and decided to take a short break.

He noted the time, realizing that his shift had ended while he had been watching the letters. He decided to talk to Jim, to sort some of this out. He found him in his quarters. Jim sat at his desk reading a book, and Spock sat down across from him, waiting for him to finish his chapter.

"Did you enjoy your letters?" Jim asked with a smile, closing his book and removing his glasses.

"I have not watched all of them. The three I have read were lengthy in nature and took a considerable amount of time to read. I felt the need to rest before viewing the rest." Spock explained to his friend.

Kirk slowly put his glasses back into his case. "You didn't enjoy them, though?" Jim asked with some concern.

Spock sighed, better to get it over with. "In my last letter, I had detailed a dream of mine about Genesis and I had to ask her if it were true."

Kirk's head shot up at this and he looked carefully into his friend's face, searching for clues.

"I had read the report shortly after having the dream, so I knew it was true, but I needed to hear it from her." Spock clarified to him.

"Everything in that report was true." Kirk said softly.

"I still needed to know certain things. Things that you would not be able to tell me. Things that happened before you arrived at Genesis."

"Like how she felt?"

Spock felt as though his insides had been bathed in ice water. He looked up quickly into his friends face and then looked back down to his folded hands.

"I am not sure."

"Not sure or you don't want to tell me?" Kirk asked softly.

"I do not think I received the answer I wished to hear in the letter." The words were hard to get out and they weighed heavy on his tongue.

"Well, you've only gotten to three of the seven. Perhaps the answer you are looking for lies in an unwatched letter on your computer."

Spock's eyebrow rose, "Perhaps." He acknowledged.

"Well, then, you'd better get back to your letters. The sooner you arrive at the end the sooner you'll have your answer."

"Thank you, Jim." Spock rose and left the cabin in a little bit of a haze. The truth was he didn't know what question he wanted to ask her, and until he did, how could she answer?

The rest of the letters were just as her letters had always been, and he found himself wanting to drop the whole issue. He didn't feel the need to upset her further or himself.

Last night during the dance he had found his question, and she had answered it.

Now what to do about it?


	3. Chapter 3

She stood in her bedroom doorway looking out over the familiar surroundings of her adopted home. Her focus was on one thing, Spock's profile as he looked out over the setting suns in his mother's garden. She could see him easily through the large picture window that graced the living quarters slightly to her right and in front of her several feet. Seventeen feet to be exact.

Saavik had known him many years, fifteen point three standard years, and she knew this look. He was deep in thought. She watched the familiar face, the age lines curving around his eyes and cheeks, the nose flaring as he picked up strong scents in the garden, the eyes turned away from her, deep in contemplation. She greatly loved that look and wanted to stand and bask in it as long as he held it. He was no doubt thinking about their relationship, as she had done the past thirteen hours.

She closed her eyes and she was back on that landing waiting for her name to be called.

Saavik of Vulcan. Words she had strived for all of her life, and now she would finally have them, they were hers. She had earned the right to call herself a Vulcan. Pride filled her and a slight flush topped her cheekbones. She soon got her emotions under control and stepped to the top of the staircase as her name was called. She floated down the staircase hardly noticing the twenty steps or the hundreds of people in the room. With dignity and grace, she carried herself down the marble stairs and found herself looking down into the very surprised eyes of Spock. She congratulated herself on not missing a step or finding herself completely incapacitated by his intense stare. She suddenly understood what Amanda had meant by how Spock would like her outfit as she found herself locking stares with his admiring gaze.

She may have gotten her outside appearance under control, but she was unnerved by his attention and shook slightly as she raised her hand to greet him. A flick of his eyebrow told her that he had noticed her slight loss of control and she gracefully schooled herself to be more professional. She allowed herself to be led of to the Enterprise crew. Later she allowed herself to be led off to the balcony.

She can remember with great clarity the terrible unease she felt as she stood there with Spock. Spock was the one person she could forever count on, whom she had always counted on. She felt that whatever was said here could permanently alter everything.

She waited for him to speak, wanted to be patient. She wanted to show him that she had grown, that she could wait for him to come out with it rather than on insisting for her information. Spock would never deny her an answer, just as she had never denied him.

Her mind turned back several years to that horrible letter asking about Genesis. She'd been unable to breathe once she'd received it, unable to think. She'd been glad she'd been alone, because she was utterly unable to control her emotions; her control had left her completely. She directed the computer to turn off all the lights and let the misery take her over for a moment. She sank to her knees in the middle of the room with Spock's image frozen in the viewer in front of her. What he'd asked for was not out of the question, but it was one of the hardest things she would ever have to recall in her lifetime, and that was saying something.

With some determination, she lit the candles surrounding her, which she had placed for meditation, and attempted to regain her control before answering his letter. He deserved for her to be calm, adult, Vulcan when she related her experience to him. In her mind she could see him overtaken with pon farr, his body and mind on fire. She could see that he didn't understand. She knew that she understood that she couldn't live with herself if he died again, especially if she could do something about it. So she offered herself. He had no soul, no training, he didn't know what was going on. She had to show him how to control the urges enough for her to help. But to tell Spock exactly what had occurred, even though he had already guessed, shamed her. He had not given his consent, had been unable to. It could be seen that she had taken advantage of him or that she had let him take advantage of her. He had been young and inexperienced, but the instinct had taken over and she had been brutally taken, as was the horror of pon farr. The violence and pain, the bruising and tearing of flesh. The violence turned her mind to another world tearing itself apart at that moment. While Genesis roared beneath her, another world had literally crumbled down around her almost taking her with it. Truth was she almost thrived on the violence of the event, she'd been born into a vicious world and it was all she had known until Spock. Coincidently, it was the same sort of brutality that would save him, the kind she was familiar with.

She could handle it, had in fact, but would Spock if she told him everything? Logically, there was only one way to find out, as she keyed in the code to reply to his letter.

Last night though, when he had stood looking so lost as to what to say, she could not help but to throw a lifeline in the form of a question his way. "What do you wish to speak about? Was there something that interested you in my letter?"

She had thought it a safe question, but he continued to hedge, to search for something to say. His silence unnerved her and left her wondering and confused. "I am sorry, Spock if I have done something to offend…is it the dress?" Her hand swept down to touch the garment around her midsection. She felt the strange feeling of insecurity wash over her; she found she did not like the feeling. She was startled by his soft laughter.

"No, Saavikum…" he chuckled. "It is not the dress. You have done nothing to offend." He looked out to the desert and then summoned up his courage. "It is you. I find that you are beautiful, tonight." He spoke directly at her, looking into her eyes, and noted the second a slight flush appeared on her cheeks.

"Is it just tonight you find me this way?" She couldn't believe he was telling her this; it had to be the dress.

"No, Saavikum, it is not just tonight." She was sure she stopped breathing. Her feelings for him magnified and exploded within her. She drew on her courage. She took a deep breath.

"It is not just tonight for me either, Spock."

She looked into his eyes and watched as he drew closer until his lips touched hers.

Later, when they had gone back inside, the dancing portion of the evening had begun. Amanda coyly pointed out she had given both of them waltzing lesions and that they should show her how much they remembered. Saavik had balked at first; her foremost thought being that if Spock was that close she would never be able to keep everyone in the room from realizing what was going on between them. Spock seemed to understand her line of thought.

"It will be alright, Saavikum. I would be honored to led you in a dance." And with that he led her out on the dance floor.

"Spock –" She tried to protest, his hand was low on the side of her waist, carefully avoiding all contacts with her flesh, knowing the reaction it could bring. She smirked a little inside, with how daring the dress was, it was an impressive feat to find enough material to place his whole hand. She felt the warmth of his palm and fingers just above her hip and relaxed a bit. "We cannot do this. They will see. I do not have the control for this." She said only low enough for him to hear. He nodded his understanding just as unnoticeably as she had talked to him, signaling that he understood. They settled into a stance appropriate for a teacher and a student, a superior officer and a junior officer, an unmarried man and an unmarried woman.

He began the conversation, keeping it light and not on the subject of their new feelings. He recalled an incident involving Tribbles and a Klingon fleet. She was able to relax and be pulled into the conversation, allowed to ask her questions of him. Before she knew it the dance was over and she was being led over to the group they had left previously.

"So you two do remember?" Amanda had probed with a knowing smile. That smile was starting to really irritate Saavik.

"Of course, Mother." Spock had assured his mother.

Now she looked out at him, unaware that he had noticed he'd been noticed. She'd left her thoughts drift too long, and now he was staring back at her through the window. Taken off guard, she took a small step back and then regained her composure. She waved a hand in greeting, but stayed where she was. He lifted himself off of the bench and walked slowly to the door. She could no longer see him till the door opened revealing his tall, proud outline in the doorframe. Her eyes drank him in as came closer to her.

He stopped a few meters from her and looked into her eyes. She knew she was telling too much with her eyes, knew he was seeing too much, but she knew that to hide it from him would not be fair.

"I've been thinking Saavikum, of our situation," he began, still looking at her. He wished that she were his to touch. It would make this easier to have the bond. She would just know what he was thinking. He took a deep breath, trying to settle his feelings. Control was harder in her presence. He had, after all, touched her more intimately before last night before. His conscious mind did not recall it, but his unconscious mind and his body obviously did. "I would like to pursue things with you, if I may?" He asked quietly.

She took a deep breath, and balled her fists to hide their shaking. "I would like that, Spock."

Very slowly, he raised a hand towards her cheekbone and hovered just above the skin. "May I?" He asked and was rewarded with a small nod of assent from her. Her eyes were wide and focused on his. He let the fingers continue their journey and the pads touched the soft cheek and trailed along the cheek, unconsciously mimicking her actions years ago. The psi points fizzled and a spark shot up from Saavik into Spock's fingertips. His fingers stilled for a minute at the sensation of having all of her energy under his hand. They had bonded before Genesis, they had bonded on Genesis, but now that the feelings were behind the intent it was much stronger than either of them could have realized.

Saavik's fingers reached out for his cheek and connected in the same manor. At some point they honed their fingers to the exact psi points to make a meld. Saavik's fingers hummed with the energy.

Everything rushed out at them and Spock pulled out of the meld prematurely. He sat in shock looking at her.

"What is wrong?" She asked.

He moved away from her and went into his room without a word.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Saavik stood outside the door to Spock's room debating to go in or not. It was understood that no door was closed to her and no question left unanswered, but she felt that they had crossed a line where this may no longer be so. It saddened her that she couldn't just walk through the barrier between them. That it might push him away from her.

She decided that if no door had been closed to her before that it shouldn't change today, that would be illogical. Carefully, she opened the door and walked inside. He was sitting on his bed facing the window, his back to her. She slowly walked to him and sat beside him on the bed. Partner in all things, her mind told her and she made herself believe it.

"What is the matter?" She heard herself ask him, although later she would not be able to say why she had asked. It felt as though she were intruding on his privacy, which she realized, suddenly, that she was. She waited in the silence of the unanswered question and finally began to rise to go, to leave him with his thoughts. Never, in all of the years she had known him had he not answered a question he had.

His arm came out and grabbed her arm, above the cuff of her sleeve. Even in his state he would not allow himself to become so debase to touch her skin directly, to cause her embarrassment or discomfort. She wondered for a moment if he would not allow the touch because he could not block his emotions and thoughts from her.

He waited a long time for her to decide to stay by his unasked command and she settled, stiffly, next to him and waited in silence. His hand still gripped her tunic and she waited for him to let it go, but he didn't, in fact, he simply turned his body to face hers more and continued to hold onto the fabric, to feel her warmth through it. He still didn't look at her and they watched out the window as the suns set and the coolness of the evening started to seep over the overheated sands. Saavik knew that soon the air in the house would change from a cooling period to a warming period. She always knew right before it happened because the temperature in the house had to drop low enough for the heat to kick in. Always in those moments her skin chilled to the point of raising goosebumps and a shiver always went down her spine.

It was her inevitable shiver that forced him out of his thoughts and her looked at her, taking stock of the situation and let her arm go. Her arm was now the coldest part of her. Without a word, he manipulated his body and pulled her into his arms so that they were now leaning against the headboard, with Saavik resting between his legs and leaning against his chest, his front to her back. Still, he had managed to not touch any of her skin in the process.

"A very strange occurrence happened when we attempted to meld." He started to speak, breath flowing over her left ear. Her breath hitched, she was very aware of him right now. "As you may have noticed, we didn't manage to meld." She nodded, she was aware that although a few images had flashed at her, a true meld had not happened. This was not alarming, a meld is a very difficult thing to accomplish, needing at least one skilled mind to guide the other through the maze of information a mind could produce. Some Vulcans, were know to be proficient in achieving a meld, but unable to sift through a person's thoughts satisfactorily enough to make the meld useful. It was unusual that a Student of Gol and a well trained student were unable to meld, especially taking in account their history of established melds and even shortcuts they were able to take from melding together so often. It was not but so unusual, however, that Spock would be rendered incapacitated by the failure. It was an expected failure, calculated into the risk of attempting a meld, along with everything else that could happen with a meld. Headaches, loss of memory, disorientation, hell even in very rare cases a person will be unable to break free of the meld, and have to spend a while trapped in their own mind, until a healer can attempt to bring them out of it. All of this is factored in, leaving Saavik to wonder even more what was going on.

"I don't know what you saw in the few seconds that our minds touched. What happened to me is that I believe my memories returned to me. It took me awhile to sort through them, and many of that time period were disturbing. Many were in fact." He paused and she felt his arms tighten around her, and then, too deliberate to be accidental, the skin of his hand brushed under the skin of hers, and stayed there. She was flooded with reassurance so strong she was glad she was sitting. He continued. "I saw us meet. I saw you grow up, go through Starfleet. I saw you on Genesis. I saw what you did for me."

She now understood. It was one thing to be aware of Genesis, and what transpired, it was a whole other thing to actually be in possession of the memories. For him to know every moment of rage and pain he was in. Pon Far is brutal and savage, it tears at the mind and at the flesh and robs one of their ability of control. The toned down responses of the gentle touches in the hand gestures and the melding exercises are merely ones last conscious effort to control those urges. The only relief they bring are merely the the last chance that one feels in control. Control was everything to a Vulcan, Saavik knew. She took a moment to think about what this meant to Spock. As far as she could remember, he had only gone through Pon Far once in his life, before Genesis, and in that instance, had not gone through the mating part of it. The losing of one's control, killing Jim, that he had experienced, the inability to stop himself, but even that, was not as heart wrenching or intimate as what they had experienced on Genesis. Spock would now remember every blow, every scratch, every minute of how he had fulfilled his own needs with no regard for hers. He would remember and he would hate himself for it. Saavik had not experienced Pon Far before this and had nothing to compare it to, but she was certain, from what Spock had taught her that his was typical, if not a little on the wild side, because of his age.

She wondered at that. Spock went through Pon Far when he was married to T'Pring. Before that he had spent most of his time at Starfleet or in space on a mission, and he had not succumbed to the cycle. When he went back to Vulcan, he began the process of purging his emotions, and in that state, he would not have succumbed either. But on Genesis, when he was growing at such a rapid rate, he went through the process many times, every seven years, till he hit his rightful age. Saavik wondered if this was because she had been on the planet. Maybe Spock was more connected to her much earlier than she realized. Of course, he had felt almost nothing for T'Pring, except loyalty, and she was able to pull him into Pon Far, so who is to say what exactly through him into the cycle? She felt him shift under her and she pulled herself out of her thoughts.

"Are you alright?" Saavik asked him. She bit her lip. That was not an appropriate question to ask of a Vulcan of Spock's accomplishments, whether they were alone or not. Thankfully, Spock did not correct her assumption of him not being able to control his emotions enough to not be 'alright'.

"I have been better." He admitted softly. "I find myself unable to come to terms with the fact that for several hours, that was me."

"It was not you. It was Pon Far." Saavik logically pointed out.

"It was me." The words were almost too soft to hear.

"No, it wasn't." Saavik stubbornly denied.

Spock tired of the argument and grabbed her turning her so she faced him. "Saavik, it might have happened because I was in the throes of Pon Far, but it was still me that went through it. It was me, that choose you. Me that took you. And as this went on several times throughout the time I regenerated, you can not claim that I was too young to understand after the first time. I didn't have my memories or personality, but it was still me. I did this."

"I choose it too." Saavik spat out at him. "And I had all of my memories and all of my personality. I choose it too!"

Spock looked at her long and hard. His hand came up and brushed her psi points on her face and pushed her hair back. He repeated the motion. It soothed her, having him so close, having him touch her. It grounded her.

"You chose too much, Saavikum."

"It was what a wife would have done for her husband."

"You were not my wife. Usually, a wife would not have to endure an entire life's worth of Pon Fars in the space of a few hours, Saavikum." He added with some humor.

"For you, I would endure much more." Saavik declared.

A moment went by, and Spock graced her with a Vulcan smile, one especially for her.

"As would I."


End file.
